I have a client who’s a shy but talented girl. She loves music, and decided to join the band in her high school. She learned how to play the xylophone, and really enjoys herself when she plays at band practice. But when I saw her, she had a concert coming up and she was so nervous that she was thinking of dropping out of the band.

            I asked her what she was so afraid of and she said, “I’m afraid I’ll make mistake while I’m playing.” That’s a fear we all have, isn’t it? We’re afraid we’ll make a mistake—especially when others are watching. Fear of making a mistake can keep us from even starting something new. Our fear ends up defeating us before we even begin.

            But my client loves to play music, and I didn’t want her fear to push her into giving it up. So I asked her a simple question: “If you do make a mistake, what’s the worst thing that could happen?”

            She thought about this for a moment, and said her fellow band members or someone in the audience might notice and say something to her about it. “And if they did, what’s the worst thing that could happen?” I pressed her.

            “I’d be embarrassed,” she said.

            “And if you were embarrassed, what’s the worst thing that could happen?”

            This time, she shrugged. “I’d be embarrassed.” It didn’t sound so scary when she said it this time. “Nobody would yell at you or hit you, people in the audience wouldn’t throw things at you, you wouldn’t be kicked out of band?”

            “No,” she admitted. Okay, we all sometimes think we’d die of embarrassment, but that’s just something people say; nobody actually dies of embarrassment. We just feel it and then move on. My client realized it certainly wasn’t worth giving up something she loves just to avoid feeling embarrassed for a moment.

            How many times do we let fear hold us back from trying something new? When we’re afraid, we create giant monsters in our mind—terrible consequences if we fail. But when we stop to really examine these monsters, we see that they’re just annoying little mosquitoes we can swat with ease. “What’s the worst thing that could happen?” By asking yourself this simple question, you can break the hold fear has over you and free yourself from the inaction it causes.

            “I want to try sushi, but I’m afraid I won’t like it.” If you don’t like it, what’s the worst thing that could happen? You’d have to order something else and pay for both dishes, so you’d be out a few dollars.

            “I want to apply for that job, but I’m afraid I’m not qualified.” If you apply and the hiring company decides you aren’t qualified, what’s the worst thing that could happen? You won’t get the job. But you don’t have the job now, so you’d be no worse off than you were before.

            “I want to ask that woman for a date, but I’m afraid she’d say no.” If you ask her and she says no, what’s the worst thing that could happen? She might tell her friends you asked her out and she turned you down. You might be embarrassed by that. And if you were embarrassed, what’s the worst thing that could happen? You’d be embarrassed and her friends would know you asked her out. What’s the worst thing that could happen as a result? Not much.

            The best way to break through your fear is to examine it coolly and ask yourself if it’s based in reality. When you do that, what’s the worst thing that could happen?

Law of Sobriety You Tube Video My book, The Law of Sobriety, is finally going to be in stores next week! I can’t even describe how excited I am. I can’t wait for you to read it.

 Writing a book was one of the biggest and scariest things I’ve ever done. So scary, in fact, that there were a couple of times when I almost didn’t finish it—and one time when I almost didn’t start. That was when I was writing the proposal, which is a description of the book that you show to a publisher to convince them to buy it. While I was writing the proposal, I had more than a few moments of doubt. What if the publisher doesn’t like my idea? What if I haven’t expressed myself clearly and they don’t understand what I’m trying to do? What if they just don’t think it will sell?

I could have let those doubts end my project right there. But instead, I looked hard at what I was feeling and realized it was all a bunch of “what ifs?” Nothing was real. I was letting my thoughts defeat me before I even started.

Of course, the publisher did buy my idea. But then I actually had to write the book. A couple of times I thought I would never finish it. Why not? Because I kept stopping myself with more doubts. What if what I’m saying isn’t really worthwhile? What if my colleagues think I’m off base with my ideas? What if I don’t have enough to say that’s original? What if I’m just not a good writer?

 Again, I had to stop and take a hard look at myself. I realized I was letting my self-doubt sabotage my own dream. I acknowledged my fears, understood where they came from, and then pushed past them. I’m not saying it was easy, but I had to do it.

 Now I have a copy of The Law of Sobriety in my hands. I look back and realized how many times I could have let my fear stop me, and then my dream would never have come true. The difference between writing the book and not writing it all came down to deciding not to let my self-doubt paralyze me. Sometimes, realizing your dream is just that simple.

Sherry Gaba, LCSW, is a Psychotherapist and Life Coach in private practice and on Celebrity Rehab on VH1.  Visit Sherry at www.sgabatherapy.com for information about life-coaching programs, teleseminars, and webinars, and read her blogs at Counselor Magazine and BeliefNet.com.

Alcoholics and addicts often come from dysfunctional families; sometimes, that dysfunction includes parents or other relatives who are also addicts. If that was your situation, chances are you have developed a kind of persona or character to deal with your family situation that is completely out of touch with your authentic self.

 Living a life of authenticity is one of the steps in the Law of Sobriety. When you are living authentically, the energy of who you are on the inside will be expressed on the outside. This is the only way for your true self to emerge. But for some of us, authenticity does not come easily.

 Parents who are caught up in their own problems are not emotionally or even physically present for their children. They leave little room for their children to discover who they are, how they feel, or what they want. The children are almost invisible when they are at home.

 Families of addicts build a wall of secrets around them to sustain their dysfunction. The children are then forced to buy into the idea of putting up a front that “everything is okay.” The secret is sustained thorough threats and shame. Any family member who tries to bring attention to the problem is ostracized and made to feel guilty.

 Children in these families have such anxiety about what might happen if the “family secret” ever got out that their true self remains hidden away. There are no opportunities for them to discover their true essence because they are too busy taking care of their parents’ needs and protecting their secret. They become children who have to act like adults way before their time, leaving very few opportunities to go on the journey of self-discovery that is vital for emotional growth and maturity.

 Children in this situation develop a false persona as a way to both protect the family secret and deny to themselves how dysfunctional their family really is. They learn to slip into this false self without even being aware of it, and bury their true self someplace inaccessible.

  Adult children of alcoholics may continue living this false role because it seems easier and safer. But this lack of authenticity comes at a terrible price: honesty and a clear sense of identity are sacrificed. Eventually, the adult children of alcoholics become the false personas they have created. They are out of touch with who they really are. Living inauthentically may feel easier to them, but in reality, their true self is always fighting to emerge. The effort of keeping it hidden can become too much, and they end up as addicts or alcoholics themselves. 

  That’s why the recovery process is always a journey of self-discovery. The effort you put into hiding away your true self zaps all your energy and makes sobriety just about impossible. When you set yourself free and life a life of authenticity, sobriety is just the beginning of what is possible. 

Sherry Gaba, LCSW, is a Psychotherapist and Life Coach in private practice and on Celebrity Rehab on VH1.  She is the author of “The Law of Sobriety: Attracting Positive Energy for a Powerful Recovery.”   She is a frequent contributor to anthologies, blogs and newsletters.  Visit Sherry at www.sgabatherapy.com for information about life coaching programs, teleseminars and webinars, and read her blogs also at Counselor Magazine.com and BeliefNet.com.

One of the warning signs that you may be relapsing is starting to think of your sobriety as a burden or a punishment, rather than as the blessing it truly is. It’s easy to remember how good your substance of choice (alcohol, drugs, sex, gambling, food, shopping) made you feel and forget how much trouble it caused and how much bad feeling that trouble brought into your life.

This kind of selective memory about addiction is not uncommon. But it is dangerous. When sobriety starts to feel worse than addiction, relapse is just around the corner.

Why does this happen? Everyone has a reason for their addiction. It may be a dysfunctional childhood, a traumatizing experience, an inability to cope with adversity, a genetic predisposition, or a combination of several factors. Whatever the reason is, you can imagine it as a stain on the nice, clean carpet of your life. You wake up every morning and see that stain. It’s ugly and you can’t bear to look at it.

Your carpet would be beautiful if only that stain weren’t there. So you try to cover it up. You throw your old newspapers over it, but you still know it’s there. So you pile up your dirty laundry on top of it as well.

Eventually, you can’t see the stain, and you may be even forget it’s there. But now you’ve got pile of trash and dirty laundry in the middle of your room, and you have to bend your whole life out of shape to navigate around it. That pile is your addiction. When you’ve finally had enough of living with that pile, you clean it up. You wash the dirty clothes, fold them, and put them away. You dump all the old newspapers into the recycling bin. That housecleaning is your rehab. Now your house is clean—you’re sober.

The problem is, the stain is still there in the carpet. It felt good to clean up, but the reason you created that pile in the first place hasn’t gone away. The only way you’re going to feel truly at peace with your sobriety is to get out that bottle of psychic stain remover and clean the carpet. If you want to live a sober life, you can’t cover it up anymore. 

Sherry Gaba, LCSW, is a Psychotherapist and Life Coach and author of “The Law of Sobriety: Attracting Postive Energy for a Powerful Recovery”.  The success of her private practice and coaching program made her the go-to expert for Dr. Drew Pinsky on VH1’s Celebrity Rehab 2 and 3 and its spinoff, Sober House, and she will continue as the Life Coach on Celebrity Rehab 4. Sherry’s expertise has been quoted in Cosmopolitan, New York Daily News, Los Angeles Times Blog, E Online, Elle Online, Huffington Post, and she has appeared on Issues with Jane Velez-Mitchell, Hollywood Confidential, Inside Edition,  E!News, Dr. Drew Live, Fox News in San Diego, and KTLA-TV in Los Angeles.  Sherry blogs on Beliefnet, the largest Spirituality Blog and  is a frequent contributor to anthologies, other blogs, and newsletters, is a sought-after speaker, and lives with her family in Southern California where she maintains an active private practice. Visit Sherry at www.sgabatherapy.com.

Although my book, “The Law of Sobriety” might sound like it’s a legal manual related to substance abuse, it’s not.  However, with the Fourth of July here, I can’t think of a better time to suggest a few tips on how to cope with the cravings you might be experiencing during what some call the “Substance Abuse Season.”  It’s summer, it’s hot, the day is long.  There are fireworks, barbecues, picnics, concerts, baseball games, and family reunions abound.  However, not surprisingly, it is the day that half of all traffic fatalities are caused by drunk driving.  This statistic alone makes it important to be mindful of what your triggers are not only for saving your life but the lives of countless others traveling on this three day holiday weekend. 

The following are tools to get you through the holiday without having to yet go another year missing the Fourth of July in a drunken stupor.  Perhaps this year you will be able to celebrate another kind of independence, the independence of no longer needing alcohol or drugs to have a good time.

1. Avoid people, places, and situations that you believe might be a trigger.

2. Avoid isolating yourself making plans in advance to be with sober people.

3. Pray, recite the serenity prayer over and over again to remind yourself of what you can and cannot control.

4. Remind yourself of the consequences if you decide to pick up a drink or use.

5. Remember you only need to stay sober today.

Sherry Gaba, LCSW, is an experienced professional in the field of addictions and recovery. A licensed psychotherapist and life coach who attended the famous Coaches Training Institute, Sherry received her Masters of Social Work from the prestigious University of Southern California. With fifteen years of experience as a clinician, she has also worked at some of the top rehab centers including the famed Promises Treatment Center in Malibu, CA. The success of her private practice and coaching program made her the go-to expert for Dr. Drew Pinsky on VH1’s Celebrity Rehab 2 and 3 and its spinoff, Sober House, and she will continue as the Life Coach on Celebrity Rehab 4  this summer. Sherry’s expertise has been quoted in Cosmopolitan, New York Daily News, E Online, Elle Online, Huffington Post, and she has appeared on Issues with Jane Velez-Mitchell, Hollywood Confidential, Inside Edition, Dr. Drew Live, Fox News in San Diego, and KTLA-TV in Los Angeles. Sherry is a frequent contributor to anthologies, blogs, and newsletters, is a sought-after speaker, and lives with her family in Southern California where she maintains an active private practice.

Today is the perfect day to talk about being grateful and appreciating what you have.  In my case it would be my dad since it is Father’s Day.  I also am blessed that my parents are still together and are celebrating their 54th anniversary this week.

I grew up in an intact family with all the problems any family might have back in the sixties.  My mother had to work, which back then was unusual, but it was mostly so we could have some of the “extra things.”  My dad was the one that picked me up from school because he had the flexibility a sales job has.  I would later follow in his tracks and sell advertising so I, too, could have the flexibility of a sales job.  As a single mom, I needed to be available for my daughter at any given moment.

It was my dad that helped me with homework and helped me make posters and flyers when I ran for secretary of my 9^th grade class.  I didn’t win but the motto in my family was you never give up.  My dad was there to pick up the pieces when I didn’t win and to encourage me to keep on trying, which I did.  Later on I tried to be a cheerleader and lost, and again, my dad was there to encourage me to never give up and support my efforts for trying.

“What is so wonderful about gratitude and the Law of Sobriety is that when you focus on what you truly appreciate, the universe just brings you more to appreciate.”   The universe doesn’t respond to appreciation and negativity at the same time.  One of the lessons I learned by my parents was to turn things around and focus on something I was grateful for when I was feeling discouraged.   The Law of Sobriety says that “if you focus on what you are missing, the universe responds by giving you an even greater sense that you’re missing out.”  I would never have continued to be persistent in my life without these gems of wisdom. 

Having a strong focus on appreciation enables you to get in touch with your true essence.   It allows you to release blame and regret and believe anything and everything is possible even during times when you have lost all faith.  You always have the opportunity to turn things around, try something new, try again, and that giving up is not an option.

Sherry Gaba, LCSW, is a Psychotherapist and Life Coach and the author of “The Law of Sobriety: Attracting Positive Energy for a Powerful Recovery.”  She is the Psychotherapist/Life Coach on Celebrity Rehab 2 and 3.  She is a media expert and has appeared on CNN Headline News, Inside Edition, Fox News San Diego, and KTLA Channel 5 News in Los Angeles.  She has been quoted in the New York Daily News, the Huffington Post, Cosmopolitan, E-Online, Elle Online, and a host of other local magazines and publications.  She can be reached at www.sgabatherapy.com.

Before I talk about how to meditate, let’s look at why. Alcoholics and addicts tend to be driven by their impulses. They often have a need for instant gratification and are unable to cope with stress, frustration, disappointment, anger, fear, and resentment. Because they can’t cope with these feelings, they try to numb them or shut them out.

            One consequence of not having coping mechanisms is that they simply respond to whatever is going on around them according to how they feel at the moment, and don’t reason things through. They act without thinking, and end up following self-defeating patterns that include drinking and using drugs.

            Meditation enables a person to pause in their life and step out of that cycle of simply acting on impulse. It offers a way to become aware of unconscious patterns of thought and behavior and evaluate them with some objectivity. By learning to just be still and breathe, you are able to take a step away from yourself and look at your life from the outside.

            Another benefit of meditation is that it silences our all the chatter going on in our heads. Often this chatter is very old, negative talk that has been running nonstop in the background since our childhoods. You know what I mean: The chatter that says, “You’re not doing things right, you’re not good enough, you’ll never succeed, you’ll never get what you want.” Mediation enables us to notice this chatter in a conscious way, see it for what it is (the negativity of others and not genuine truths about our own lives), and silence it.

            So how do you begin mediating? Sit down someplace comfortable and quiet and make sure you will not be disturbed for 15 to 20 minutes. Set a kitchen timer so you won’t be thinking about when the time is up. Quiet your body until you can be perfectly still. Now, notice how you are breathing. Don’t change the rhythm or depth of your breath—just notice it. You may want to concentrate on one particular aspect of your breath such as the sound it makes as you breathe in and out, the sensation of your chest rising and falling, or the air passing in and out of your nostrils. Just be still and notice yourself breathing.

            No matter how much you concentrate on your breathing, you’ll also notice that chattering voice in your head. It will not shut up easily. After all, it’s been playing in your head all your life! Experienced mediators call this phase “monkey mind,” because your mind keeps jumping around and chattering away. Thoughts will keep creeping in. Don’t judge your thoughts or yourself. Don’t consider the content of these thoughts. Just watch them go by, as if they were runaway balloons floating in the sky. And please, don’t think you have somehow failed because your mind is jumping around. Everyone starts out with monkey mind.

            Experienced mediators call their meditation time their “practice.” They’ll tell you that’s because the more you do it, the better you get at silencing your inner voice and just watching yourself breathe. Sit down with no expectations and just resolve to stay and try for the full time. Just sitting down and doing it, no matter what the immediate result, improves your meditation practice.

            As you learn to quiet your mind, you will being to find a quiet space where your judgmental, impatient, demanding inner voice no longer speaks. In that space, your mind will be clear and clean. You’ll find the peace and renewal you have been seeking but never finding through drugs and alcohol.

Sherry Gaba, LCSW and Life Coach, is the author of “The Law of Sobriety: Attracting Positive Energy for a Powerful Recovery” and Life Coach and Psychotherapist on Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew Pinsky on VH1.  She has a private practice in Agoura Hills, CA.  She has been a guest expert on Inside Edition, Fox News,KTLA Los Angeles News, and CNN Headline News with Jane Velez-Mitchell.  She has been quoted in E-Online, Elle Magazine, Cosmopolitan, the New York Daily News, and the Huffington Post.  To learn more about Sherry’s services go to www.sgabatherapy.com or email her at sherry@sgabatherapy.com.

Over and over again, I notice that when that ever present anxiety begins to envelope my chest, it is always related to something I am afraid of or trying to control.  It is only when I slow down, breathe, and get out of my head, can I see there is something in my life I need to let go of.

This week I was expecting some news regarding a project I am working on.  When I didn’t hear back about it on “my time frame,” I noticed myself trying to control other people and things around me, as a way to avoid the discomfort of the unknown.  “That is what the Law of Sobriety is all about, taking your will out of the equation and trusting in a force larger than yourself to bring you what you need.”  And always, what it brings you is not what you expect anyway.

When we trust the answers are out there for us to access, that is when you have completely surrendered to the energy of the universe.  Those are the times when fear and doubt dissipate and are replaced with faith and detachment from the results.

This doesn’t mean you give up on your dreams, whatever they are; whether it is a new relationship, a new career, or a new business, it’s time to get out of your own way.  Your spiritual nature only emerges when you move over and make room to receive what it is you need to receive. 

Although, I sent out way too many emails regarding this project, I can start right now by letting go and making space for things to unfold as they are meant to unfold.

 Questions to ponder upon regarding   the letting go process:

Ask yourself what it is you are  unwilling to let go of?

What is it you are resisting?

What are your fears telling you?

What would happen if you let go right now?

Are you not allowing the universal force to do its job?

Sherry Gaba, LCSW and Life Coach, is the author of “The Law of Sobriety: Attracting Positive Energy for a Powerful Recovery” and Life Coach and Psychotherapist on Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew Pinsky on VH1.  She has a private practice in Agoura Hills, CA.  She has been a guest expert on Inside Edition, Fox News,KTLA Los Angeles News, and CNN Headline News with Jane Velez-Mitchell.  She has been quoted in E-Online, Elle Magazine, Cosmopolitan, the New York Daily News, and the Huffington Post.  To learn more about Sherry’s services go to www.sgabatherapy.com or email her at sherry@sgabatherapy.com.

In recovery we learn to take a hard look at our past through the amends process and by going through the steps.  It gives you the insight to understand what your part is so that you no longer need to be the victim of your circumstances.  However, sometimes we can stay in that process too long.  I have worked with many clients that get stuck in that process and have a hard time moving forward.  That is why the “Law of Sobriety” is there to take to you to the next level.  However, you can’t move forward until you do the work of understanding where you have been.  Now it is time to go from where you have been to where you are now to where you want to go.  “The Law of Sobriety says that if you do what you are afraid to do because you know it’s good for you, positive results will follow.”

Sometimes you may feel frozen and don’t know why you can’t find a new job or career, a healthy new relationship, start an exercise regimen, or discover new hobbies and activities.  Why is that?   It may be not only because you are stuck in the step work for too long, but because you have been socialized by your parents, your teachers, or others in your life with a negative mindset.  Perhaps they didn’t nurture you or build you up and help you believe in yourself and your potential.  Perhaps they squashed a great idea you had or a dream to do something that didn’t align with what they thought you “should” be doing with your life.  When did you stop believing in yourself?  Were you just a child when a teacher scolded you for just trying to have a voice?  Was it a parent that passed their own bitterness on to you?  When did you take these dysfunctional thoughts from others and make them your own?

Now is the time to let go of that counterproductive thinking. It is time to take the necessary steps to get out of the freeze state of non-believing and step into your truth by doing what you have always been meant to do.  “None of us can change the past. But you have the opportunity right now to use the Law of Sobriety to make decisions that are healthy and that will put you in alignment with your true desires.”

1.  Believe in yourself and know you can do anything you set out to accomplish.
2. Let go of unnecessary fear and do the opposite; have faith in yourself.
3. Acknowledge your negative thought patterns and replace them with positive ones.
4. Forgive yourself for allowing others to determine what is best for you when you know what you want.
5. Have profound compassion for not always getting the nurturing you needed to believe in your abilities.
6. Take action steps in creating the life you deserve to have.

Sherry Gaba, LCSW and Life Coach, is the author of “The Law of Sobriety: Attracting Positive Energy for a Powerful Recovery” and Life Coach and Psychotherapist on Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew Pinsky on VH1.  She has a private practice in Agoura Hills, CA.  She has been a guest expert on Inside Edition, Fox News,KTLA Los Angeles News, and CNN Headline News with Jane Velez-Mitchell.  She has been quoted in E-Online, Elle Magazine, Cosmopolitan, the New York Daily News, and the Huffington Post.  To learn more about Sherry’s services go to www.sgabatherapy.com or email her at sherry@sgabatherapy.com.

“The Law of Sobriety asks you to align yourself with your true purpose and take the necessary steps to get there. This enables you to access a deeper form of satisfaction with life. This source of unlimited joy is not available when you are a victim of your own self-destructive thoughts and behavior. When you connect instead to a universal life force, you have the capacity to create a life that is filled with harmony and peace.”  This excerpt from the book “The Law of Sobriety: Attracting Positive Energy for a Powerful Sobriety” is the essence of why it is so important to be mindful of the thoughts you put out into the universe.  The thoughts you put out there are exactly what you will attract back whether they are positive or negative.

Anyone in recovery knows, all about what the 12 step community calls “Stinking Thinking.”   The founders knew that much of what alcoholics and addicts used or drank over was to drown away the incessant chatter.  The chatter says “You will never get that job.” or “You are not smart enough.” or “She will never go out with me.”  What is important to remember is thoughts come and go. As the Buddhists have always known, thoughts are only temporary, fleeting, here in a micro second and gone the next.   There is no thought worth living a life of destruction.  There are many ways to cope with these thoughts, but why not try to embrace them.  That’s right; make friends with your thoughts.  Lean into them and notice them.  Without getting attached to your thoughts, be a curious observer of them.  Allow them to just be there without getting caught in the experience or reacting to them.

Here are some tips to learn how to let go of the thoughts that take hold of your mind.

1.  Have a teflon mind, letting experiences, feelings, and thoughts come into your mind and slip right out.

2. Control your attention, but not what you see.  Push away nothing. Cling to nothing.

3. Step inside yourself and observe.  Watch your thoughts coming and going, like clouds in the sky. 

4.  Call a thought just a thought, a feeling just a feeling, but don’t get caught in the content of the thought or feeling.

5.  Notice the thought, step back, and get unstuck.

Learning to let go and surrender to your thoughts without giving them so much power, is one of the first steps you can take to living a life of peace and serenity.  Once you have an understanding that thoughts are just thoughts, nothing will be able to get in your way of living a life filled with purpose and meaning. 

Sherry Gaba, LCSW, is a Psychotherapist and Life Coach.  She is the author of “The Law of Sobriety: Attracting Positive Energy for a Powerful Recovery.”  She is the Psychotherapist/Life Coach on Celebrity Rehab 2 and 3 with Dr. Drew Pinsky on VH1.  She has been a contributor in magazines and on-line publications and television news shows such as Inside Edition CNN’s Headline News with Jane Velez-Mitchell,  Fox San Diego, and KTLA Los Angeles.  She specializes in addictions, trauma, depression, anxiety, and facilitates a Women’s Recovery Group.  She facilitates tele-seminars, webinars, workshops, as well as available for speaking.  She can be reached at www.sgabatherapy.com or sherry@sgabatherapy.com